My Truth

Finding one's true self, understanding it, and then accepting it is one of the hardest things a person will ever have to to.

Yet for those of us who find ourselves in the middle of this process and we see others who have never attempted such a journey we feel pity. Not because we look down on their ignorance but rather because they have never tried to know who they truly are, and, that, is inarguably tragic. I believe, above all, that if you do not know yourself, you can never truly find happiness. 

On my journey, I believe I am still trying to understand myself. Why I want what I want. Why I am the way that I am. These questions are not easily answered and the only place these answers can be found are within myself. Some I already know the answers to, but I am finding it difficult to accept them. Some truths are  hard. Some are scary. 

My truths are not easy to share. They would change the very fabric of my reality. Not because I don’t embrace them or relish their taste rather it is others that I fear. If they were to know what lies beneath my carefully crafted facade of normalcy my life would be turned upside down. People I know and love would turn their backs on me all because my truths would not fit in their perfect little lives. I would become something of an embarrassment, subject of whispers, and malice coated eyes. At worst they would disown me, at best they would grudgingly tolerate me. 

This I know. This I fear. This is why understanding myself and then accepting it is proving to immensely difficult. 

To lay at rest your fear, know that my truth is nothing malicious or criminal. It is merely a choice of interest. One that is not easily or readily accepted by our society. The worse part is, I can’t help but to want to be this way. I long to exist in the open. This is the person I am and someday, probably soon, I will tell someone. Then, my life will change forever.

A Little Bit of Thunder

(We all have fears. This is mine.)

A flash; brilliant, blinding, and all too familiar. That’s all it takes. 

Eyes open, breath catches, and hands shake. Adrenaline courses through veins and a heart throbs in a chest. A cold sweat and a shaking body. 

Sound; harsh, booming, and jagged rips through the night sky. The walls shake. Precious possession fall from their places. Shattered remains and lucky glass. 

The girl; she’s too old to feel like this. Too old to feel the fear pounding in her chest. Too old to feel like her throat is constricting and too old to curl into a ball. She’s too old to hide under the covers, and she’s too old to sleep on the couch. But she does. 

A flicker of light, the absence of stars and she’s climbing down that ladder. Her bare feet barely brushing the rungs. The cold rushes in and she’s reaching for a pair of socks. A few seconds is all she spares to grab a blanket and then she’s running down the stairs. 

Down there, it feels safer. The thunder is muted and the lightning doesn’t seem quite as bright. She knows she’s being childish as she curls up on the couch, but she can’t help it. 

In the morning her siblings will jeer and tease. Her mother will laugh and hurl insults. She’ll grin and bear it.

After all, she can’t help her fear.

That’s why they call it irrational. 

"I'm In Here" A Myka & H.G. Fanmix

Been awhile since I wrote anything on here, I know. Unfortunately this isn't going to be a real long post either. I just wanted to share with you a fanmix I just put together for the show Warehouse 13. This isn't the first fanmix I've ever done, but its the first one I've done covers for. It's also the first one I've decided to share online. 

The mix is called "I'm In Here" and it centers around the ship Myka/HG. I basically just picked out sounds that reminded me of Myka and HG's relationship from season two. I've posted links to every song below. Feel free to use the covers if you'd like to download the songs. Please do not remove the riddlemethisbatgirl.tumblr.com. I spent a bit of time on these covers and I'd appreciate it if you gave credit by leaving my tumblr address on them. 

Feeling Good|Michael Buble

Love Lockdown|Kayne West

Say When|The Fray

You Know the Way to Go|Right the Stars

Wonderwall|Ryan Adams

Keep Your Eyes on Me|It's Like Love

I Wanna|The All-American Rejects

Haunted|Taylor Swift

I'm In Here (Piano Vocal Version)|Sia

Wicked Soul|Kubb

You Kill Me (In a Good Way)|Sleeping With Sirens

Save Me|Aimee Mann

Stupid Funny Just Isn't Funny

Sometimes there are some things I don't understand about growing up. Today I find myself with the thought, "Why is it uncool to like the cute movies/TV shows when you get older?". Take this for example, when I was little I could watch Disney channel whenever I wanted and that was fine. But today when I tell some one I absolutely adore the Disney show Wizards of Waverly Place all I get is crap for it. I don't get that.

Tonight I watched the film Ramona and Beezus which is a G rated film all about two sisters who are played by the actresses Selena Gomez and Joey King. It was really funny, cute show. I laughed the entire way through the film! Its a rare occasion when I find a film that's meant for my age group and older that is actually funny.

A recent example of a movie that is really popular and supposed to be extremely hilarious is The Hangover. I saw that movie and I can tell you right now that is it is anything but funny. I remember watching it at one of my friend's house and being absolutely mortified by it. The whole thing was about drugs, sex, and random violence. I didn't get why it was funny then, and I don't get why it's funny now.

But you know I can't turn to my friends and say "Hey guys, lets go see that new Selena Gomez film Monte Carlo instead of The Hangover Part II because I think it looks funny." (I did not go to see The Hangover Part II. 'Tis purely hypothetical.) They would consider that to be extremely lame, and I would never, ever live it down.

I like the cute movies and the romantic comedies. I also love superhero , fantasy, and Sci-Fi films. When I'm with my friends I usually tend to watch the latter rather than the former. I can still remember the first time I admitted to watching and loving romantic comedies. They were shocked. I'm pretty sure they thought I was messing with them.

Well this post didn't really make much sense, but I'm stopping here because I'm tired.

Never Trust a Pretty Girl with an Ugly Secret

We all have our guilty little pleasures. God knows that I have mine. Chocolate is high on that list but that's not what this post is about.

Have you ever seen that TV show Pretty Little Liars? If you're into mystery, romance, or drama I'd suggest that you tune in. I just started watching it last week, and it didn't take me long to devour the entire first season or catch up on the second.

Last night was the first time I had ever DVR-ed an episode. Watching the new episode in the living room with my brother was strange. I guess I hadn't realized until that moment that Pretty Little Liars fell under my guilty little pleasures category. Its something I really enjoy watching alone. I don't like to share it. Does that sound weird? It probably does. That doesn't change the fact that the next time I watch the show I am going to watch it when I'm home alone.

I have to tell you that out of all the characters on the show Aria is my favorite. She's the artistic one of the group. She loves to write and read. Plus she dances to the beat of her own drum. If you knew me you would completely understand why I think she's awesome.

The only potential downside to Aria is her love life. Though she's played by a 21-year-old, the character is only supposed to be 16 and she's dating an older guy. In particular her high school English teacher, but they met before Aria knew he was going to be her new teacher. I don't know why that little fact seems to make the whole thing less wrong. Its so bad, but its so fun to watch.

Just watch this video and you'll get it.

Getting off the Pretty Little Liars topic, I've finally started writing my story again. I've written a good 600 words now. That's not exactly much but it's a lot compared to what I've written since school ended. Sooooo I'm excited.

In other news, my headphone port on my laptop is acting up and it is driving me nuts.

Girl You Are a Gryffindor

Well aside from not being able to spell today I also can't type. Awesome.

I've got the song "Wizard Love" by Meekakitty and Heyhihello stuck in my head today. Mostly because I've been watching Meekakitty's vlogs all day. Yay for not doing anything productive! And now my strange youngest brother is standing behind me dancing to the NCIS theme song which I am currently playing on my laptop. Oh, now he ran away. Though my summer is proving to be completely useless it can be an entertaining experience every once in a while.

If you know me and you probably don't, you know that I absolutely adore the Harry Potter series. If you know anything about Harry Potter you know that the franchise just released it's last movie and Harry Potter as we knew it is over. There will be no more new Harry Potter stuff! Unless you count Pottermore... I really don't.

Since I picked up the first two books at the tender age of eight, I have salivated with anticipation every time a new HP book or movie was announced. Not having that to look forward to is going to be pretty strange. I am really going to miss Harry Potter. The world seems a little bit darker now that he's gone.

To demonstrate how big of a Potter nerd I really am, I am going to give you examples of my nerd-dom. I actually waited for a Hogwarts letter. Not once but three times. Once when I was ten because I thought I would get in early, the classic age of 11, and when I was twelve because I thought they had forgotten me. I have, no joke, read each of the first four HP books over twenty times. Hedwig keeps me company in my car everyday. She makes a lovely replacement for fuzzy dice. I wore a Gryffindor winter hat almost everyday last winter. I could probably ramble on about this all day, but I think you get the picture. I love Harry Potter.

Like any good HP fan I know my house. If you don't know what I'm talking about, read Harry Potter! I'm a Gryffindor by the way. I just wanted to share that little tidbit.

Oh, and just because I love you I am embedding the video for "Wizard Love" in this post. Seriously if you are a Harry Potter fan at all you need to watch it. You need to watch it right now.

Lions Make You Brave

I've been sick the last couple days and I realized something in that short time. Well okay, maybe this isn't exactly a new thought for me.

Since this summer began I haven't done anything. I mean I do chores, see movies, and hangout with my friends, but I haven't done anything productive. I started writing the beginnings of a novel this last school year, but I haven't even worked on it, let alone looked at it, since the summer began. Hell I haven't even drawn a single sketch either. Its really sad.

I need to shape up. I need to do something. I actually started this particular blog to help me write more often. As you can plainly see, I only update this thing a couple times a month. So I'm failing at this thing too. I need to learn to balance my hobbies and my real priorities...

I really want to work on my book thingy, but every time I go to pull up the file I hesitate. I have this really great idea - in my opinion - and I don't want to mess it up. I can see it all in my head but putting it down on paper has been proving to be a challenge. I don't think I've ever had this much of an issue with writing something before. I've certainly never been afraid to write one of my stories before. This one just feels different to me.

This project isn't just some funny little short story for my friends to laugh at. This is something I actually want to get published. I want this to be a real novel, and I don't want to mess it up. I need to figure out how to relax when I'm writing it. I feel like I've been over thinking every word, sentence, and paragraph. I just want it to perfect, and I am putting a butt-load of pressure on myself because of that fact.

I really want to write this thing. I can see my main character in my head as clear as day, and I feel like her story needs to be told. Every book I've ever read has had those key plot turning points and I keep seeing those events for this project in my head. I can picture them so clearly. Sometimes I even see them in my dreams. When I think about those moments, I become so excited because I know I've got something good.

Usually when I get an idea, I see the end before the beginning. In this particular case I was walking back to my dorm after class and I was listening to the song "Lions" by Lights when the scene came to me. I just had this flash of this wonderfully heart wrenching and beautiful ending of a story. I can't really explain it more than that without giving any of it away. I must have been grinning like a completely idiot, and I know I was barely able to keep myself from jumping up and down with unearthly excitement. Those times when I get ideas like that I can remember with vivid clarity.

Unless you're a writer, I don't think you can possibly fathom the completely natural high I get when I get a new story idea. You know -this is completely off topic - I don't get that feeling when I'm drawing, and that's why, more and more, I'm beginning to think I'm not meant to make drawing my career. I mean I love drawing, but I think I love writing more. Back on topic, there is nothing else in my life that gets me more excited that getting a new idea for a story. Except maybe when I hand over that first copy to my friends/family to read.

You know I spent nearly two weeks trying to pick out a name for my main character. I don't think I have ever spent that much time picking out a name for a character. I have pages and pages of notes on the story line, characters, places, and just the basic history and elements of the world they live in.

I totally need to get to work on this. I have so much free time this summer, I really should be pumping out a few 1000 words a day. After this rant or rambling stream of consciousnesses whatever you want to call it, I am really excited to get to work.